after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
