My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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