Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Too much gin, very little bucket
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
