ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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