wakey wakey hands off snakey
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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