i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
