I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Randomize
