Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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