i think my mom watched the whole time
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
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