Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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