If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
