Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
