I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
