i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
