I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
