HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
