meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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