I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
