nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
