My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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