I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize