these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
