Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
