I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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