Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
