Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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