just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He's a Shit stain on my heart
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
