I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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