Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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