I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
