I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
