I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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