my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
