the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
