im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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