Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
