OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
