One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
