Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize