would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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