The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
