Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
