I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
