Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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