Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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