I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
