This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
