How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
