he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
