I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
