Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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