We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
