I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
