Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
