I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
