My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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