I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
