The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
