ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
