the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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