I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
