my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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