Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so let's talk penis.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
