he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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