This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
