he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
