he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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