I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize