Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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