Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
