Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I did not marry a roomba.
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