i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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