She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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