I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
