I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You need Xanax blowdarts
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
