There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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