apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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