The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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