I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
