She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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