Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's rum buckets o'clock
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
